Things I (Re)Learned Today

img_14541. I don’t have to attend every argument (or political debate, whatever the case may be) I’m invited to even if it arrives in the form of an engraved invitation on a silver platter via a coach and horsemen- and horses, four of them. And if you weren’t invited then stay–wait! Why would you wanna go when you weren’t invited? Stay home.


2. It’s better to be happy than be right (this one still filed under “Fake til You Make -cause I still just like to be right)


3.More tolerance and love for my neighbor is called for. Note: Not all neighbors are neighborly including myself and your neighbor is anyone and everyone. Note: don’t be mean to yourself.


4.Give others the right to be wrong.


5.Ron White was right about stupid-it can’t be fixed because I tried


6.I need a Travis Tritt t-shirt with sleeves cut off. (Seems random but it isn’t. I’m just not at liberty to discuss its relevance to this writing.)

7.What I call irony is usually just plain sarcasm which I call irony because it sounds literary and just more better.


8.Not every neighbor appreciates your particular brand of sarcasm and your total dedication to it.


9.What I call sarcasm is sometimes (or often or always) just plain mockery.


10.Sometimes it seems like some neighbors are asking (begging and screaming) for irony, sarcasm, and/or mockery and pepper spray.

11.Don’t waste your precious time or your razor-sharp wit and good jokes trying to help a neighbor see the error of his ways because of #5.


12.Instead of trying to do #11 go write your good stuff down and start in earnest on a razor-sharp, witty, ironic, sarcastic mockery of politics and the people Ron warned you about and stuff on this list.


13.If you can’t take the heat stay out of the kitchen or if you dish it out you better be ready to take it or don’t be a bully, Scut Farkus


14.I cannot take the heat so I probably(definitely without a shadow of a doubt) need to refrain from dishing out anything but love, good music playlists, and delicious food. Also, it’s not fun to be bullied with words(shocking, I know).


15.Do not discuss politics unless you are 100% positive that you and the other party(s) are in agreement This is because you are a hot mess with a smart mouth who has too much to work on in herself to be studying political debate. Go back to being apathetic or learn to play right. Note: Remember that scientists found a cure for apathy but no one seemed to care. This one needs to be resolved without excuses because it’s gotten old. You have four years and two days to do it, starting right now. Jesus could tarry until the next presidential election, dreadful though it may be.


16.The taste of crow apparently cannot be aquired even after many years of consumption. Crow tastes like crap no matter how it’s prepared. I’m finishing up a breast and a wing right now with a side of humble pie that I am not in the mood for. I’m tired of eating the nasty stuff. The pie tastes bad, too…here, have a bite….


17.Last (and only because I’ve worn myself out screwing up all day) but definitely not least….If you decide to ignore all of the above and enter a bitter battle of words with someone do not announce to the free world on social media that you have “dropped the mic” or “Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.” Because, let’s be honest. You might’ve held an actual microphone in your hand and even projected your voice through it, you have never dropped one intentionally to make the point that you’ve made your point and “peace out, suckahs” and all that.  And while you may love Elvis dearly and laud him as the rightful ruler of rock and roll you know you have no business comparing your exit from the debate to the King leaving a concert venue.

(This list is a work in progress and subject (oh, there’s more, much more) to more entries)

(I’ve never used so many sets of parentheses in my whole crazy life)

Goodnight from the corner of Exhausted and Embarassed!!

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10 thoughts on “Things I (Re)Learned Today

  1. Love #16. I too have had many servings of crow and more slices of humble pie than I care to mention. And I agree, the taste is never acquired, only tolerated at best!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like your term for it–the good ol’ shit sandwich! I have a question–white or wheat bread? When we were little we always wanted a bite of what Mama had on her plate and it just irritated the crap out of her that she couldn’t eat in peace. Many times I heard her say, “If I had some doo-doo on a plate y’all would want some…” When my sister feels sick she says, “I feel like shit on a cracker.” And I ask, “Saltines or Ritz?” Thanks so much for reading my post!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are really funny.
    My mum never swore, but when she was really fed up with us for bugging her about what was for supper she used say say ‘S and sugar’..it took me years to work out that S meant shit!
    So what you writing at the moment? I’ve just finished NaNoWriMon and ‘m thinking about doing this

    New post on Nephele Tempest

    Ready, Set, Write
    by Nephele Tempest

    this month…it is also on wordpress.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I’ve always used humor as a coping and survival mechanism. I come from a long line of cussing, funny women. I’ve so enjoyed the last month since I started blogging. I’m in recovery and it’s absolutely therapeutic. I’ve always enjoyed writing. I had to take a little break last year and go away to treatment for a while and journaling was not optional. I didn’t mind it but so many of the women hated it. Are you familiar with mindfulness exercises? It’s a big thing these days in addiction treatment. I crochet and write and those two activities are my mindfulness exercises. I suppose I could find some goofy spoken meditations on YouTube but I much prefer to do something productive while I let my mind get full of all the mindfulness–at least I have something concrete to show for it when I’m done. Hey, where in the world are you located, Erica? I noticed you called your Mama “Mum” so I’m assuming somewhere in the UK, Australia, or New Zealand. Ooh, I can hardly wait to find out!!! Thanks so much for reaching out to me! I admire you and respect you and look forward to getting to know you better! I’m waaaaay the hell down here in south Mississippi so I’m gonna leave you with a classic southern farewell: “Alright, you holler back at me real soon, now…” 💗💗💗

      Like

      1. Oh, you asked what I’m working on next. You know, I like to write about random stuff. You know how Seinfeld was the show about nothing? My blog is the blog about nothing but that’s the way I like it. I mean, life is so hard anyway-I wanna keep it light! So I have this theory: it makes perfect sense to me that since I’m legally blind without contacts or glasses, my other four senses have as a matter of course adapted and become sharper and more heightened. You may not think I can pull off a decent blog post on that topic but you would be WRONG. So either that or possibly write about my exceedingly painful bunion and the sadness I feel over not being able to wear sexy shoes ever again.

        Like

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